The Garden of Weeden

College Is Treating Me Well

2008-04-30T00:36:00.005-04:00

I had my doubts about returning to college after such a long time away. Well, let's be honest -- I was a nervous wreck! I obsessed about it, worrying that I'd screw up and disappoint everyone. I'm too old for this, I lamented. There's too much walking, too much carrying of heavy book bags. And I'm too busy. I have to work, keep house, keep two kids and a hubby happy, deal with our critters, garden, yadda yadda.

But you know what? It isn't so bad.

I am finding that the extra effort I put in because I'm a grownup and know that success requires a certain amount of work is paying off. I'm also finding that sometimes too much extra effort is, well, too much. I worried so much about my comparative music exam, fearing that it couldn't possibly be as easy as it seemed - and when I finally gathered the courage to take the test (online, it was available all week) I found that I could probably have passed it if I hadn't even bothered to read the book.

I also found that other students who had taken the exam had not figured out the secret to success, which (shh...) is spending some time at the book's companion website and taking the practice quizzes over and over till you receive 100% -- then going directly to the exam, which uses the very same questions.

The secret to success in my history class is taking copious notes and writing out explanations to the terms on the study guide, printing out a blank map and identifying the places on the study guide, and reading the book as directed. I guess I figured it out, because I got a 97 on the first exam.

The secret to success in "Writing for the Web" has three parts: A.) Similar to the music class, take the quizzes over and over till you get 100%. Only then should you send your answer to the instructor for recording. B.) Follow directions. C.) Learn to Google.

Literature? Similar to Writing for the Web. Follow directions, read the material, and learn to Google. It also helps to be friendly with the professor. She's very approachable and helpful.

Which reminds me...many students seem to have, and expect to have, an adversarial relationship with their teachers. This is understandable, considering that our futures do depend on their evaluations, and some of them can be arrogant and difficult. But really, they're just people. Since I'm entering my fourth decade on planet Earth, I know some people who are teachers and consider them friends. They have the same worries and goals as everyone else -- wanting good marriages, happy family relationships, healthy kids, and satisfaction of personal goals. They worry about things like where to travel for that week on vacation, paying their mortgages, a sick cat, and a child diagnosed with a learning disability. Teaching is a job, like any other.

Most teachers appreciate it when their students recognize this fact and show genuine concern and consideration for the teacher's time and labor. While they are "just people" they are also people who have devoted many years, lots of money, and a huge effort toward earning their own degrees, certifications, and academic accomplishments. This deserves respect, so you don't treat your professor like you would treat Joe at the Wal-mart oil-change service bay.

The point that seems to elude many college students is this: You're there to get an education, not to earn a certain number of credits at a certain minimum GPA. Work like you care about the information, and the grades will follow.

With that bit of geekery aside, let me share some personal, emotional observations.

This quarter, I only have two classes on campus. The rest are online, done at home. My two on-campus classes are Math and History. In math class, I started out sitting toward the front, but got self-conscious and now sit in the back row. I sit next to a very nice young man of about 20 who is studying to become a paramedic. He and his friend on the other side laugh at the teacher sometimes, which appeals to my rebellious nature -- not completely suppressed, even at my age -- and my subconscious, immature suspicion of "math geeks." (I'm a Liberal Arts person...say no more.) I laugh too, a little. He's been talking about an upcoming fishing trip with his friends. It was last weekend, and so today I asked how it went. He spoke to me like a peer - like anyone else in the class, a potential friend, and that made me very happy. I'm old enough to be his mom but he didn't treat me that way. Either he really is a very nice young man, or maybe I don't look like I'm 40.

I like to think I don't look 40. I'll take 35. Hubby today told me I looked 30 at the most, but I think he may be a little biased. He would likely prefer to hear that he doesn't look 40 either. He doesn't, always. The thing about being this age -- when you feel good and are fresh, you look younger. When you feel like crap, are tired or ill, the number 40 is meaningless and might be replaced instead with the term "old fart." These days it takes makeup, a good hair day, and just the right clothes to make me look youthful at all. Fortunately, I'm practicing. A lot. I need to enjoy it while I can!

Of course, it's the results that count. I have 39 credit hours to earn after this quarter, and then I'm going to grad school, if they'll have me. Once you pass that threshold, being an old fart isn't so much of a liability. At least that's what I'm hoping for!

College is Not Glamorous

2008-04-08T01:17:00.003-04:00

I went to college many years ago, and it was different. I'm not sure why I remember my experience back then being different than it is now, except for the obvious facts that I'm going to a different school and I am about 20 years older.

When I first started college at age 18, it was a small branch of the University of Cincinnati, ten minutes away from my parents' house. Going there was just like going to high school, except that nobody cared if I skipped class and, if I had time in between classes, I could go to the student lounge and get a beer. It took about two minutes to walk from my car to the classroom, five if I had to park in the back lot. Life was good.

After I got my two-year degree, I went to Main Campus. Parking was a nightmare, that was expected. So I took the bus. It was a 45-minute ride, and I had to transfer once along the way. But it was an adventure, and I made friends with the bus driver. I didn't have much going on before or after school, so as long as I had a bus schedule and 65 cents, I was fine. Life was still pretty good.

I didn't finish, though, because I got impatient waiting for life to begin. I got a full time job and let that come first. School could wait. And it waited for 20 years. In fact I really didn't expect to go back, not until my mom passed away and the inheritance I received made my dream possible again.

Enough about that. Here's the thing - when I applied for admission this time around, I got really excited about going back. It made me feel young again. I knew it would be a lot of work, but I also started thinking about how good it would make me feel. I would need some new clothes. I would need a haircut. I would need some new makeup. I envisioned myself strolling stylishly into the classroom, as young as a 40 year old can be, bright-eyed and quick witted, ready to - as one of my friends described it - "romp through the fields of brain candy."

It wasn't like that at all.

My first class on campus was a math class, 10:25 on Tuesday. I left home at the time I had planned, and expected to have about 20 minutes extra to sit in the hall or at my desk, reading. Nope. I had forgotten how hard it is to park on a college campus. The last two times I was there, I parked in the visitor lot without a glitch. This time, the lot was full. I had to drive to the other side of campus, to the other visitor lot, run through the underground tunnels (stopping to study maps and directional signs), run up three flights of stairs, and arrived huffing and puffing and sweaty - late - in my math class. Adding to my discomfiture, I had a bad sinus infection. So I was breathing hard from exertion *and* sniffling with a stuffy head. Certain all of my 19 year old classmates were staring at me, plus the thirty-something teacher who did not seem to be gifted with a sense of humor, I had to blow my nose and felt very self-conscious about it. Bffzzzzz....sniff. Not glamorous at all.

Worse, I had the same damn thing happen to me the next class two days later. I had a parking permit this time for the regular lots, but they were all full too! This time I did find a space in the visitor lot nearby the math building, but still arrived sniffling and short of breath, late, and didn't finish the quiz.

My next math class is tomorrow. My sinus infection is better, and I had hoped to arrive in week 2 with polished nails and touched-up hair color to hide the gray. Alas, I literally have not had time to do those things due to other school assignments and...well, motherhood.

The least I can do is arrive to class on time. I am going to leave for school the very second my son gets on the school bus. How do you think I'll do? Tune in tomorrow and find out.

Mom Goes To College - The Reality Show

2008-03-14T11:50:00.001-04:00

In one of the tunnels connecting the main buildings at Wright State, there is a mural on the wall. It's one of those timelines, as you might see in a museum, with photos and commentary about important events in the college's history. It begins in 1967, which is when WSU was established. The panel at the end says "40th Anniversary."
It is a very LONG mural.

I wonder if it carries much meaning to the average student attending WSU, beyond a casual "huh, that's interesting."
What it means to me is this --- 1967 to 2008 is a very long time.
The walk from the visitor's parking lot to the bookstore in the student union building is also very long. Especially for an out-of-shape, slightly overweight 40 year old, carrying about 30 pounds of books.

We had a very nice, spring-like day today. I got notice that the books I ordered for next quarter were available for pick up - that's something new, too! Registering online for classes...then being sent directly to a screen that let me order my books, the system knew what I needed, just check off some boxes and put in my credit card number and whiz-bang, all done! So I headed up to campus to get them.

I'd been up there a couple times already, once to see my advisor, and once to find my way around. The first time, I got a parking ticket. I do not know why, but it simply had not occurred to me that I couldn't just park in front of the building where I needed to go. Not only did I lack a permit, but that lot was also only for staff. Oops. I appealed (again, online) and was granted a warning instead. Whew. But visitor parking costs $1 an hour, in the proper lot, which is conveniently located at the opposite end of campus from the bookstore. Of course. Is there a message here?

I cruised up the interstate, moon-roof open, listening to some tunes piped in from my MP3 player to the car stereo, feeling very modern and youthful. Hip, even. As I boogied to a Jane's Addiction tune, yes just a kid going to college....it suddenly hit me: "Been Caught Stealing" came out in 1990. Ohmygosh, that would be the birth year of a college freshman, and my "peers" in Junior year would have been TWO. Me? I was working full time and moving in with Mike. That was the year we went to Lollapalooza, anyone remember that? Oh, and I saw the Grateful Dead that summer in Louisville.

Yeah, I'm just a kid going to college.

As I pulled into the parking lot and took my parking pass from the attendant, my stereo was playing an ABBA song. :) Hey, why fight it?

I am trying to walk the halls without looking completely confused and lost, but I am not doing it very well. Twice today I was asked "are you okay?" I guess it will get better. At least I only have to walk the halls looking confused and lost two days a week. From my computer, taking a Web-based class, nobody needs to know I'm a doddering old lady. Except it occurs to me that my name may give it away. Nobody under the age of 35 is named Pamela.

What a geek I am -- like Hermione Granger would do, I am going through all of my books ahead of time to get the head start I anticipate needing. I have high hopes for this math class, because the first chapter does not even have any numbers in it. The first chapter is about logic and reasoning. I can do that! I also have a class on world music; it comes with 3 CD's and a Web interface and I can't wait to pop that in the computer. For my literature class I have four books -- Beowulf, All Quiet on the Western Front, Shakespeare's Henry V, and The Things They Carried. I wish I had a syllabus so I knew which book comes first, but I decided to just go ahead and start reading something, so I'm about 40 pages into the last one I listed. It's about the Vietnam War. They have also helpfully included DVD's for All Quiet and Henry V. Good idea, I think. One of my lit classes from before (uh...20 years ago) assigned Out Of Africa, and I just wasn't getting it, so I went up and rented the movie. But knowing how movies are usually pale representations, I worried the whole time and felt like a cheater!

My books are now tucked into a purple backpack upon which my dear daughter has written her name with a black Sharpie. It's the one she used last year. She's offered me some dangly things to hang from the zipper as she likes to do. She's even offered me the use of her current backpack if I don't want the one bearing her name. That is very sweet, but since the one she uses now has flames and skulls, I think I'll pass.

Now, here's one last "old lady" anecdote. I picked up the student newspaper. In honor of spring break, this was "The Beer Issue." It lists and reviews various nearby night spots and reviews a handful of specialty microbrews. There is an article called "Drinking Tips, From A Bartender." Other articles include such precious statements as "drunk is the only way to travel" and advises heading to the Student Legal Services if you should get arrested for drunkenness. Now...I have been known to knock back a few, but...the MOM in me is horrified. When I was 18-20 or so I would have thought it was COOL to cover such stuff in the student paper, drinking tips? I could add some of my own. But now?

This is going to be quite a journey.

Wouldn't this make a great reality show? Seriously!

Now I'm thinking of movies that have featured old folks like me going back to college. Let's see...Educating Rita, and that one movie with Rodney Dangerfield...anything else you can think of?

My Car Is In the Garage!

2008-02-01T00:12:00.000-05:00

It's amazing, it's incredible...my car is in the garage.

We have a two-car garage. Our last house had one too. So does it sound reasonable to expect to actually place a car in there? ONE car, not two. Nah...garages are not really meant for cars, are they? They are meant for boxes, old refrigerators, bicycles, dog crates, lawn mowers, toys, and bags of trash you intend to take out later, after it stops raining.

I like to put my car in there, though. Especially now that I have a nice shiny new one. I worry about her. Wind...tree limbs...hail...

My dear hubby cleared out half of the garage a couple days ago. I put my car in there tonight. If we get freezing rain, as we're supposed to overnight, I won't have to clean my car off if I need to go somewhere tomorrow morning.

Like taking the kids to school, because you just know they're gonna miss the bus.

If we have a 1-hour delay, the bus schedules are all wonky. The bus is supposed to arrive exactly one hour after it would have on a normal day, but it never does. And since my kids push everything to the last minute, a one-MINUTE discrepancy in this routine means they're gonna need rides.

So...um...where am I going with this?

I wish I had the remote to the garage door opener.

The house came with an opener, but we never got the remotes.

But my car is IN the garage, and that feels like a minor victory! I'll take what I can get.

So Simple and Elegant...

2008-01-14T22:40:00.000-05:00

WIKIPEDIAN PROTESTER

http://xkcd.com

King Tut, How'd You Get so Funky?

2008-01-14T01:07:00.000-05:00

My daughter's 6th grade class is studying Ancient Egypt.

They were given a selection of various projects to choose from - things they had to research and create, such as a beaded collar, an Egyptian dictionary, and some other things I can't remember. My daughter decided to make a King Tutankhamen Death Mask.

King Tut...King Tut...every time I think of King Tut this song keeps running through my mind, remember Steve Martin's song?

Anyway...the project came with detailed directions on how to make this mask. I took one look at it and immediately a few more hairs on my head turned gray. Why do they do this to us parents? Fortunately my hubby has a strong art background and he's the one that made the trip to the craft store to get our supplies. He came home with a styrofoam board, a plastic mask, some paint and some new brushes, and proclaimed that he had no idea how to make papier-mache.

Well geez, that's the one thing I do know. Newspaper, flour and water.

It was a team effort, and here is the finished product. We're all quite proud.

Louisville Cheer Competition!

2008-01-12T22:46:00.000-05:00

My daughter is a cheerleader. She's on the basketball squad, which is the one that does all the stunts and flippy things, basket tosses and pyramids and back tucks and such. No sense in all that work if you're not going to compete, right? So this weekend we had our 2nd competition of the year, for which we had to drive alllll the way down to Louisville, KY.

That's about a 2 1/2 hour drive for us. I like road trips. My kids don't, particularly, despite the fact we ply them with just about every diversion money can buy -- MP3 player, Nintendo DS, books, cards, a portable DVD player, a box full of junk food to snack on. Hubby had to work, so the drive was all mine, alone, on my own, which was kind of a bummer. But it was OK. We had fun!

We got to the hotel about 7 p.m. Friday. All the girls & their families stayed at the same hotel, so that evening they were in the pool, having pizza, running around all over the place like they owned it. Much fun! And at 6:45 a.m. we were up again for hair and makeup in the conference room -- curly ponytail hairpieces, glittery eye shadow, that sort of thing. They all look so cute - a little silly and overdone close up, but it's stage makeup, meant to impress at a distance.

They came in 1st place in their division! And they also won the trophy for all-around highest score! I gotta tell you, this cheer squad is GOOD. They are such a pleasure to watch! One of these days I'm going to tape it and put a video clip on here.

After the competition, I figured we should do something special for my son, because he got dragged along to a girly-girl event and managed to be positive about it, which is a real challenge for a nine-year-old boy. So we took him to the Louisville Slugger museum and factory! He loves baseball.

We toured the factory, looked at the museum displays, and the kids tried their skill in the batting cage. As usual, their favorite part was the souvenir shop! I bought my son a personalized Louisville Slugger bat, which I think is a pretty good exchange for sitting through a cheer competition.

I love to travel, but I'd rather do it as a passenger. It's great to be home.

Mama Bear vs. Kids' Sports

2008-01-07T00:33:00.000-05:00

Kids' sports were a big part of my day today, and really, have been a big part of my life for the past few years. I'm not a big sports person, you know? When I was a kid, I played soccer one year, played volleyball one year in Jr. High, and that was it. My husband isn't "sporty" either, really. We don't go to pro games or watch on TV.

But we like sports in theory. We agree that they are wonderful for a child's development - character, physical conditioning, mental growth and motor skills, and social networking. So we don't PUSH them, exactly, but we do encourage them. Mostly we have asked them to try new things throughout the years.

My daughter has played soccer and basketball, but has settled on gymnastics. She's taken gymnastics classes since she was 6 and competed for 3 years (this year she's doing cheer instead.) My son has done soccer, basketball, tae kwon do, floor hockey, and has settled on baseball and wrestling.

Boy, it's rough on "mama bear," here. Because in sports, kids tend to get hurt! It's unavoidable. We walk a mighty fine line between wanting to protect them and comfort them and needing to pat 'em on the head and say "go walk it off, you're fine."

Two years ago my daughter began jumping to the high uneven bar, which is terrifying to watch. Once during warm ups at a meet, she missed the high bar and fell ON HER HEAD. I sprinted over to her, panicked...then caught myself halfway there and stopped to see if she was OK before scooping her up like a toddler with a skinned knee and embarrassing her! She was fine. Sigh.

Right now she complains her back hurts; she may have pulled a muscle during cheer practice doing back handsprings. Back pain at age 11 is no small matter and I'm tempted to pull her out and take her to the ER! But instead I have to let her and her coaches decide, feed her Tylenol and give her a heating pad.

We had an incident today at my son's wrestling meet which really pitted my "mama bear" instinct against my resolve to teach my kids to be strong.

My son was up against another boy on his own team, a friend of his actually, who is a very strong, determined competitor. They are evenly matched, and watching them compete is exciting! Well, my son lost, but when he walked out of the ring, he was holding his stomach and wincing as if it hurt him badly.

Mama bear took over, envisioning internal bleeding and organ damage! I went over to him, kneeled down and asked him if he was OK. At 9, he's still a sweet, cuddly cherub to me, he's my youngest and I always feel like smothering him with kisses and carrying him around, but I must resist! He said he was all right, but his stomach felt "weird." He came up to where his dad was sitting, still clutching his belly.

I was shocked when my husband got angry with me for what I considered legitimate concern and maternal comforting! He said I was babying the boy and he was fine. Boy, was I mad. What if he's really hurt? I asked. Maybe we should take him to the urgent care?

We parted ways soon after that - driving separate cars, because I'd been at a cheer competition with my daughter earlier - still angry with each other. How, I wondered, could my husband be so cavalier about our son's sore belly?

He explained to me later why our son did it, and proved to me exactly why boys need fathers in their lives. My husband understood, and I had no clue.

You see, our son was crying. Apparently losing a wrestling match can be a very emotional experience for a young boy! It's not like playing a game of checkers, after all. Wrestling creates, and requires, an adrenalin rush -- it's a male domination game, and satisfies their natural need to express aggression! Losing is frustrating as hell, but it builds character in ways that a mere Mama Bear can only imagine. Girls really are wired differently.

My boy was feeling this emotional release, but he didn't want to actually cry, so he (not purposely, I'm sure) invented a physical reason for being so short of breath, red-cheeked and teary-eyed. He wasn't upset...no...it was his stomachache.

His father told him to take a deep breath, get back down there and congratulate his friend on the win. At the time I thought he was nuts - the boy was hurt, after all, he was in no condition to go talk to anyone! But Dad was right. Comforting our son for his tummyache at that time would be like coddling him and "poor baby-ing" him for losing.

It's good to learn how to lose.

It's also good to learn your limits, which means that at some point mama bear has to pull back and let her "cubs" experience some pain and figure out how to deal with it.

I heard a story today related to that. Last year at a cheer competition, one of the members of my daughter's cheer squad back-handspringed right off the mat and landed on her neck. She picked herself back up and, instead of walking tactfully off the stage, proceeded to finish her routine, complete with being the top of a stunt pyramid -- despite the fact that the top half of her body felt completely numb on one side. The girl was rushed to the hospital immediately after and spent two days there. She'd had a concussion and slight damage to her spine! But she is now legend in the squad because of her COMMITMENT. They won 1st place, don't you know.

You can go too far, and this is an example of doing just that.

If mama bear lets her cubs learn how to deal with pain and injury, they'd better also learn the proper balance between taking care of themselves and fulfilling team obligations.

This is something that most adults haven't learned.

It's a rough world, and there's much to figure out, but whatever happens, mama bear will always be on duty.

What's On My MP3 Player

2008-01-05T23:49:00.000-05:00

Just as a data point -- and a view into my personality.

Some of these songs came from CD's. Some are songs I downloaded for my daughter's MP3 player. They're all over the map, but I like a lot of different styles and I could think of umptyzillion others I'd love to have on here if I had unlimited downloads.

Second Hand News -- Fleetwood Mac
The First Cut is the Deepest -- Sheryl Crow
American Idiot -- Green Day
Been Caught Stealing -- Jane's Addiction
Big Girls Don't Cry -- Fergie
Boulevard of Broken Dreams -- Green Day
Brain Stew -- Green Day
Complicated -- Avril Lavigne
Cotton Eye Joe -- Rednex
Get the Party Started -- Pink
Girlfriend -- Avril Lavigne
Hollaback Girl -- Gwen Stefanie
Man of Constant Sorrow -- Dan Tyminski
I'm a Loser -- Beck
I'm Just A Girl -- No Doubt
In Your Eyes -- Peter Gabriel
I've Been Everywhere -- Johnny Cash
Least Complicated -- Indigo Girls
Longer -- Dan Fogelberg
Longview -- Green Day
Misty Mountain Hop -- Led Zeppelin
My Front Porch Looking In -- Lonestar
My Happy Ending -- Avril Lavigne
The Ocean -- Led Zeppelin
Once In A Lifetime -- Talking Heads
Paralyzer -- Finger Eleven
Pickin' Time -- Johnny Cash
The Rain Song -- Led Zeppelin
Rehab -- Amy Winehouse
Say You Love Me -- Fleetwood Mac
Skater Boy -- Avril Lavigne
Spiderwebs -- No Doubt
Spirit of Radio -- Rush
Strong Enough -- Sheryl Crow
Subdivisions -- Rush
Sweet Sacrifice -- Evanescence
Take a Chance On Me -- Abba
Istanbul (not Constantinople) -- They Might Be Giants
U + Ur Hand -- Pink
Unwritten -- Natasha Bedingfield
Welcome to Paradise -- Green Day
I Got Over You -- Chris Daughtry
Wind It Up -- Gwen Stefanie
You Know I'm No Good -- Amy Winehouse
Zombie -- Cranberries

Catch Up (& Mustard)

2008-01-05T01:20:00.000-05:00

Whenever I say "catch up" as in "I've got to catch up with my to-do list..." my hubby invariably quips "what about mustard?" Silly guy.

Today's accomplishments:
* I tossed 500 Avon brochures in neighborhood driveways. 400 of these were from past campaigns I didn't get to toss due to weather, funeral plans, and general lack of motivation. They're still valid, though 200 of them expire next Friday and say "last minute Holiday gifts." Oh well. At least I got them out of my office!
* I paid our bills.
* I paid my mom's bills.

Lord, I hate financial stuff. It's getting more complicated all the time, too. I remember when paying bills and keeping track of the budget was easy. I got paid X amount, I deposited it in the bank, I wrote checks for the bills and hoped there was enough left for groceries and a little fun. It's not like that anymore. Now we have direct deposit and automatic payments, debit cards, and I just can't keep track of it anymore.

I bought a brand new copy of Quicken to help me manage my money. One week and an automatic online update later, I'm hopelessly lost. I think I set up our accounts wrong. I'll start over and try again.

I've tried to get my husband to manage our money and pay bills instead. He isn't interested. I don't blame him.

I Need Flylady

I need to go back to Flylady. I like Flylady, but her advice sometimes hasn't seemed to fit my needs in the past. I'd read the daily missions and kind of chuckle -- those things weren't big issues for me and I felt a little smug about it. For example, she'd say we ought to go into the bathroom and toss out all the empty shampoo bottles and shriveled up ends of soap bars. But I'd already done that a couple days ago, because I always cleaned the bathrooms on Thursdays, HA!

But I've gotten away from my own routine and my house is a PIT. Okay, it's not as bad as some, I guess, but it's so damn depressing to feel like I'm shoveling snow in a blizzard. I have more of Flylady's "hotspots" than I know what to do with -- the dining room table, kitchen counter, corner of the kitchen, downstairs hallway, boxes of stuff on the steps...we are just rearranging our junk these days. So I'm re-subbing, and will make myself accountable.

Animal Issues

We adopted my mom's cat. Mom's cat is OLD. I think she's 16. She does not get along with our cats At All. Our cats are just curious; this old biddy acts like they are attacking her every time they come within four feet. Mom's cat has peed in my closet, on the bathroom floor, and her favorite thing now is to pee on the towel we put next to our leaky shower stall. Well, it could be worse, but it's kind of a downer to always have your bedroom smell like cat pee. Kills the mood, you know?

The dogs are doing well, except I'm kind of miffed at Rocky (black lab mix/mutt) who just chewed the handle off a snow tube my son got for Christmas. It wasn't even blown up yet. He left it on the porch, and Rocky decided it was nicer to lie on than the cold tile floor, and had something fun to gnaw on too. Mind you, he wouldn't be on the cold tile floor if he hadn't ripped open both the back and seat of our wicker loveseat. Dummy. Our German Shepherd Dog, Maverick, is much more sensible and would never be caught doing something so undignified. Good thing they're both so lovable.

We have chickens, too, four of them -- two barred rocks and two buff orpingtons.

This is our first year with them; we got them last spring and they've been laying eggs for a few months now. You'd think a family of four could use up four eggs a day, but we don't. We have a big surplus in the fridge, we give them away to friends, and the older ones are enjoyed by the dogs. Maverick in particular likes his daily treat of egg mixed with glucosamine powder; it helps his hips.

Silly, dirty things! Their coop needs cleaning, badly, but we've been putting it off because the weather's so cold.

Sometimes I wish for a less complicated life...remember boredom? I used to be bored. I remember feeling bummed because there wasn't anything much to do, having lots of spare time, hours to read or listen to music or just stare up at the ceiling daydreaming.

But I guess this is true...be careful what you wish for. It goes both ways.

Git'n - Er - Done

2008-01-04T02:01:00.000-05:00

Git-er-done...that saying's been around a while, right? I remember when my little girl heard it - she must've been about four - and said "ditter dun? what's that mean?"

But I'm a redneck at heart...and I appreciate the phrase for its serious meaning. Depending on how you look at things, it either means "hurry up so we can head out, pop open a cold one and dunk some worms at the lake," or "make serious progress on that big to-do list." Usually a to-do list that's been settin' a while.

Like mine.

Holidays always throw me for a loop, schedule- and organization-wise. Especially this year, when I feel like I'm climbing out of a deep, slippery abyss, dealing with my mom's death. It's been a weird month, trying to grieve and get my emotions pointed the right way (and help the husband and kids do the same) while simultaneously celebrating Christmas. Talk about compartmentalizing! Isn't that an amazing thing, our ability to separate our feelings and take them one at a time? To be able to feel blinding grief and desolation one moment, and joyous, bubbly, giggly humor the next?

At least I've been spared the guilt. I'm tired of guilt. It wears me out, and it's so pointless. I did everything I could possibly do, I am a good person, none of this is my fault and it's OK to move on. Wow, that's healthy! So unlike me!

But now that I'm returning to the real world and my real life, I have a to-do list that is overwhelming. I just sat and typed it out, everything I could think of in every area of my life, and it runs three pages. Fortunately these are not all things that need to be done in one day. Soon, though. I have to prioritize, but most of all, I have to DO it. Not just prepare to think about planning to do it.

My mom was a professional procrastinator. I mean, she was really, really good at it. Every time I would come over to help her out, to pack up and move her to the condo from the house in which I grew up, she'd say this: "You look so tired, and that's such a big job. Why not just sit down a while and chat? You can do it another day." But "another day" would be just the same...and it went on and on...fortunately I am more of a Git-Er-Done person. Or at least I'm impatient.

Today I managed to do four main things. I got caught up on our laundry and even put it away. I put away all of the Christmas decorations, and I mailed my college transcript to WSU to complete my application. And I submitted my application for financial aid online (FAFSA).

See, it's real...I will be going to college. Yes, I mean it. I am afraid that I won't, though. I am afraid that I'll get sidetracked, as I always have in the past. I'll feel guilty about spending the money, or my business will start to take off and I'll think I don't really need it, or...who knows. So I have been telling everyone who will listen that I am doing it, because the more people I tell, the more embarrassed I'd be if I decided not to go.

It's kind of embarrassing on its own, though. A few days ago I was chatting with a friend of ours, a 5th grade teacher who has a Masters' Degree in education, minor in English Literature. She was surprised; she had no idea that I'd never finished that B.A. But a college education isn't the only measure of a person's ability, experience, or depth. I may have taken my last college class nearly 20 years ago, but I never stopped learning. What is college, after all, besides the experience of cracking open textbooks and absorbing the material therein? Of practicing the skills you need to acquire and sharpen? I've done that. The only thing missing is feedback, and I got that when clients paid me to do the work.

Still, I think I'll stand up a little straighter and smile a little brighter, at least in a business scenario, with that degree. It's time to Git-Er-Done! But before I do...yikes, there's a mountain of other stuff to finish first!

I Bought A New Car Today!

2008-01-02T23:47:00.000-05:00

It's a wonderful feeling just to be able to buy something expensive -- to have the luxury of shopping and choosing it for yourself, without worrying what someone else wants or thinks you should do.

Of course, it's even nicer when the other people in your life agree with you.

Several years ago I fell in love with minivans. My husband had hit a deer and totaled his old beater, and we were broke, so with $1,000 cash in hand from the insurance settlement we bought a 1995 Dodge Caravan. We loved that car, considering how little it cost, despite the funky smell we never could quite get rid of. And I knew that our next car had to be another minivan. Fortunately, in a few more years, our financial situation was a bit better and we drove a 2004 Kia Sedona off the new-car lot.

For those who are shopping for minivans, I highly recommend the Sedona. I took some heat for buying a Kia ("Kia? What the heck is that?") but the price was right - it's one of the lowest priced vehicles in its class - it has great safety ratings, and it was quite comfy. I can't complain about the reliability, either! It might not have had all the bells & whistles of, say, a Honda Odyssey, but who cares? It was a great car. Towed 3500 pounds. Felt nice and solid.

But lately I've been feeling just a little silly for driving such a big beast. We only have two children, and rarely tote around extras. We camp, but recently purchased a Class C camper (1978 Travel Craft, in all its orange and harvest-gold glory) so cargo space isn't a big deal. For towing and hauling, when needed, we have my mom's old Ford Windstar minivan, which isn't worth much on the market (and is cheap to insure) but still runs great.

For some reason, nearing that 40th birthday has activated my Vanity Switch. You know the one, that little voice in your head that says "So what if the shoes pinch? You look so much better in heels than those old practical flats." Or "Go ahead...buy another lipstick." Oh, come on...you've got one. Guys have them too. That's why there are so many tough Hemi pickup trucks on the road, with pretty young things in the passenger seat.

I swear, I never thought I would see a car as anything but transportation. For a long time, I was just happy to HAVE a car. Then I wanted a car that suited my practical needs. Next I demanded a reliable car, one I didn't have to worry about breaking down if I wanted to drive it on a 300-mile day trip with the kids. The next desire was for a comfortable, practical reliable car. And then I wanted a good-looking comfortable practical reliable car. But then....

But then something clicked and suddenly I started caring WHAT COLOR the car was and suddenly I didn't want to drive a minivan because those are middle-aged utilitarian MOM CARS. Never mind the fact that I AM a middle-aged mom. That is not ALL I am!

Besides, I am soon to be a college student. College students don't drive minivans, do they?

So! Here's what I wanted: A compact SUV, preferably with 4-wheel drive, but that wasn't essential. I wanted a vehicle that sits up higher than the average "car" but isn't a humongous gas guzzling behemoth. Or, as one of my friends put it, "a rolling apology."

Candidates included:
* Kia Sportage
* Kia Rondo
* Honda Element
* Honda CR-V
* Jeep Patriot
* Hyundai Tucson
* Saturn Vue
* Ford Edge
* Ford Escape

My hubby and I headed out with the kids, who were not particularly enthusiastic about test-driving new cars on one of their precious Winter Break days, but tried to be good sports anyhow.

First we drove the Honda Element. We loved it, but the two things that bugged me were the doors - the back door opens backwards and you can't open the back door without first opening the front door, which means that if you're in the back and nobody's in the front you have to climb over the seat to open the front door or else pound on the window in the hope that someone will take pity on you and let you out. It also only seats four, which creates difficulty when you need to bring one of the kids' friends somewhere. We did like the utilitarian design, though, and ease of cleaning.

Next was the Jeep Patriot. We drove a vibrant blue one, and it was very cute, but really uncomfortable.

Over at the Saturn dealer, we tested a Vue. Yuck. That's my summary. Yuck. The steering felt...I dunno how to describe it...slippery and loose. And the turn signals, well, the sound that blinker makes is great for people who tend to turn them on and forget about them, because you can't ignore that sound! I don't remember much about the car beyond that, and don't have to.

The next day, I went out with the kids again and drove the Kia Sportage. I really liked this car, but it didn't have much "get up and go." Granted, I chose the 4 cylinder instead of the 6, but better gas mileage was my goal. It didn't surprise me. My hubby owns a 2001 Sportage and it's the same way, but we like it anyway.

We looked at the Rondo too, but it's a little bigger than what I had in mind. If we went too big, I might as well keep my minivan. This wasn't, after all, just about buying something new.

After that, we headed back over to the Honda dealer. The kids were in love with the Element. It's cute, right? They swore they could handle its shortcomings. I wasn't so sure. But they wouldn't let me forget it. They kept chanting "E-le-ment! E-le-ment!" (sigh) It got old fast. I knew how I really felt about the car, though, in a Freudian-slip kind of way when I was talking to the Kia salesman and accidentally referred to it as the "Elephant."

I took a good look at the CR-V, a car that at first glance didn't seem to meet my needs. Technically it isn't an SUV; I guess you'd call it a "crossover." There was a pretty glacier blue one on the lot. It had extra accessories -- running boards, mud flaps, and a roof rack. I didn't care about that stuff and I thought I wanted a darker blue anyway. But we drove it and I fell in love. This car is great! It's got plenty of power for its size, it feels solid and well-made. It's comfy! The seat adjusts in height, great for short people like me. Totally ergonomic design. Split rear seats that fold up to create more cargo space. Nifty shelf in the back for hiding and stacking cargo. Moon roof! I LOVE this car.

We went back today and drove the "royal blue pearl." The other one was in the showroom, which was why they put all the extra stuff on it, to show it off indoors. But they sold it to us anyway, at the same MSRP as the other one. We decided the lighter blue was much nicer!

This is one SWEEEEET ride! Check it out, this photo is the same as mine, but mine has running boards, mud flaps and a roof rack:

Tying Up Loose Ends

2008-01-02T01:44:00.000-05:00

It came to me this afternoon as I was...well, tying knots...that 2008 has a theme for me. The theme is "Tying Up Loose Ends."

When I woke up this morning and considered how I wanted to spend my day, I remembered the "UFO" in my closet -- that quilt I began a year and a half ago when I first decided to take up quilting. "UFO" of course stands for "Unfinished Object." It's not the only UFO in there, but this was very close to actually being completed before I abandoned it in favor of newer, more exciting projects.

The problem with this quilt was that I was a bit too confident in my nonexistent quilting skills when I began it. This was the first quilt I ever attempted to make! I diligently shopped for fabrics and cut out neat little 5 1/2" squares. I arranged them in a simple pattern, measured full-size quilt dimensions, and created a quilt top with nicely matched corners. But then it was time to actually make it a QUILT. No problem, I thought. Top, batting, backing...got it. I soon realized it was a bit more complicated, because when I tried to sew it all together, the layers slipped and slid all over the place.

Here's a piece of advice, if you aren't a quilter but have thought about trying: don't choose a full-size quilt for your first project. Start with something smaller, like, say, a pot holder. Or a placemat. I did that AFTER this project was stuffed into the closet. I went on to make four twin-size quilts, a baby quilt and two small quilts for the wall. But this thing taunted me from inside its box every time I opened the closet.

Fortunately there's more than one way to quilt a quilt. I tied it. Simple enough, I took embroidery thread and tied little knots on every corner, about 5" apart. I finished it today! And for the binding, I dug out the small scrap of cream-colored broadcloth leftover from the backing (it was buried in a bag, way back in the depths of my cluttered closet) and had JUST ENOUGH to make binding with 17 inches of binding left over!

Here is the finished product:

Looks kind of nice, doesn't it? I'm insanely proud of this thing.

I decided it's time to finish up all of the UFO's before I start something else. Let's see...there's a patchwork fleece quilt in there, and a scrap Irish chain, and a pinwheel quilt yet to do. A few weeks ago I finally finished assembling a crocheted granny square afghan I began making in 2004 - those blocks traveled to Florida and back, keeping me occupied in the car. It looks marvelous and I'd like to start another...oops...after I get the UFO's done!

But there are other loose ends to tie up this year besides craft projects.

I have to "settle an estate," as the phrase goes. That means I have to dig up info on every account my mother held and either pay it off or collect what she had coming to her. And pay her taxes. And have all property probated to my ownership. And pay the attorney to do it. And, basically, pack up her life into boxes and dollar figures, for storage and investment. Close it out. The End.

On a more positive note, I get to finish my college degree, the one I started 22 years ago! Granted I won't actually be finishing it this year...maybe 2010 if all goes well...but there are still many knots being tied here. Actually applying for and registering for college is a big one, a very significant step. Just finding out what I need to do in order to earn that degree is, I think, putting me halfway to the finish line.

We will try to complete a lot of projects that were begun and abandoned. Like that pool. And the garden. Home repairs. Many good intentions.

The point, of course, is that just like it says in Ecclesiastes to everything there is a season. I'll add a verse. There's a time to begin, and a time to finish things...before beginning anew. New beginnings are a lot more fun, but completion is gratifying.

New Year 2008

2008-01-01T01:03:00.000-05:00

We made it through another one.

I remember when I was about 14 or so, on a New Year's Eve spent at home with my parents, my dad let me have a glass of wine. I think it was "Cold Duck" which is really nasty, but my dad seemed to like it. I'm not much of a wine drinker anyway. If I do drink, it's got to be white wine. But anyway...I had a glass, forced it down, and was feeling pretty happy with the world. My dad said that in a few short years it would be 2000, and paused to calculate how old he'd be then. The answer was 69. Not too old, he said to my mom, brightly! We'll still be around! Won't that be something!

He didn't make it. He died in 1999. My mom made it a little while longer, of course, but she died just shy of 2008.

Now, I'm never one to complain about any excuse for a party, so New Year's Eve is generally something I enjoy. I haven't really understood why it's such a big deal, though. January 1 isn't much different from December 31. I asked my parents once, long ago - probably as a young child - why we celebrated New Year's. They told me it was because we made it through another year. I didn't get it, then, but now I do.

It's also a good time to make changes in our lives and take stock of what we've done and want to do. And, by golly, tax season is around the corner! Just one more month and I'll be visiting TurboTax.com and hoping to break even or get a little refund!

Resolutions

On New Year's 2001 I resolved to give up smoking. Not on New Year's Eve, mind you. That night I puffed away with the best of 'em. But I didn't buy any more. I dragged that last pack out for about a week. And then there were no more, and I've stuck to it. Six years have gone by and I am very much a non-smoker.

Sounds like a good idea, hm? If I can do it, so can YOU!

Here are the things I expect to do in 2008:

* Settle my mom's estate
* Sell my mom's condo
* Sell my mom's property in Florida
* Invest my inheritance for the kids' college funds and our retirement
* Start back to college (goal is Spring quarter '08!)
* Go on a nice 6-day family vacation, and at least 4 weekend camping trips
* Work out 3 times a week and lose 20 pounds
* Put up our above-ground swimming pool (it's been sitting in the garage since last May)
* Get the water spigot in the back of our house working
* Remodel and improve the chicken coop and pen
* Install ceiling fan in our entry and cut out a hole for a floor grate in the dining room floor, to improve our wood stove's ability to heat our house
* Paint master bathroom and bedrooms, and maybe more rooms as time allows
* Till the rest of the garden (it's 40' x 40' and only about 1/4 was tilled last year) and use it well
* Plant some fruit trees and berry bushes

That's a lot, but I think it's do-able.

Things I would like to do, but might not:

* Replace our roof
* Convert garage into office/craft studio
* Convert current office into laundry room
* Replace kitchen vinyl floor
* Replace main floor carpet, maybe some of it with hardwood floor or Pergo
* Convert back porch/solarium into a nice utility room

No matter what happens in 2008, it's starting very well. We've had some rocky times in our marriage, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. When you're married for 15 years, you're bound to have some struggles now and then. But I'm feeling very warm and fuzzy about our relationship right now! My husband is a great guy. Whatever the new year - and the future in general - brings, we'll face it together. And with that in place, how bad could it be?

No...don't answer that, I don't want to lose my smile just yet!

Happy News

2007-12-31T00:23:00.000-05:00

The furnace is fixed!

At least that's what they tell me. I've heard it before.

What's even more amazing is that the repair guy only charged us $210 for the whole thing! Listen, that guy was here a good eight hours working on our furnace. He left twice to get parts. For part of the time, a second guy was working on it too. Can you believe we got off that cheap?

The name of the company is Southtown Heating & Cooling. I want to say this, here, because I am recommending this company to anyone in the southern Dayton area who needs HVAC work. They've been coming out to help us since we first moved in here - and got a quote from another company to clean our furnace for about 4 times more than Southtown charged. Nice guys, too!

It's nice to be able to recommend businesses that serve us well, isn't it? Seems like more often than not, we're complaining about bad service or high prices, or maybe just a rude employee having a bad day. I try to point out the good things too, even to national corporations, and sometimes they even send me coupons and gift certificates. Once I got a free two-day canoe rental and camping trip when I wrote a letter to the owner of the livery saying how great they were. Try it!

But don't be like this guy, and do it just to see what you get:
http://www.the39dollarexperiment.com This guy's letters are just downright silly. It's kind of interesting to see what happened in response to the letters, though.

UPDATE on Happy News: Hubby's car is fixed too! They told me it might cost a LOT and we should be prepared for that...but...get this. Hubby called to find out the total. They said $130! We cheered! Then they called later and said they had the FINAL total. It was $113! We cheered louder! Then when I went to pick it up, that wasn't the actual total...the total was...get ready...$84.53. Is that amazing or what? I mean it's a freaking miracle when your repair bill goes DOWN!!!

Between the furnace and the car...I swear, we must have an angel. Mom, did you do this? Thanks!

That Stinkin' Furnace!

2007-12-29T17:16:00.000-05:00

Yes, literally, the furnace stinks. Remember I mentioned the CO detector? We put it in the lower level bathroom/laundry room, which is adjacent to the boiler room. As I sat here at my computer last night, I noticed a distinct reek of partially burned diesel fuel (heating oil, diesel, same thing) and then the detector started beeping. Well, now we're conditioned to FREAK when alarms like this go off, right? Whether there is a fire, or an output of deadly carbon monoxide, something has to be done in a hurry! Fortunately the problem was mostly confined to the laundry room, though I think I had begun to feel a little lightheaded.

We shut the furnace off, stuffed the wood stove full, and were thankful it wasn't a particularly cold night.

The repairmen (two, this time - we usually just get one guy) came around noon and have been here ALL DAY. They say it needed cleaning. They say the oil pump, which was replaced two months ago, is bad. Goodness knows what else is wrong with the stupid thing.

Meanwhile, we're sort of getting ready to go out for the evening to a friend's party. I baked banana bread, yum yum! But what if they're not done by seven-ish? Will one of us have to stay home? Will we have another cold night and hope they'll come out tomorrow? On a Sunday?

And most importantly, just how much is this going to cost me? Enough that we could just have bought a new furnace in the first place?

I'd love to get a different heating system. But these hot water baseboard heaters are all over the house. There's got to be a way to do this more efficiently.

It's A Conspiracy

2007-12-28T23:29:00.000-05:00

Sometimes it seems like all of my possessions are conspiring against me - the useful items that is, not the ones that just sit on a shelf and look pretty. My nic-nacs are behaving themselves. It's the appliances, the vehicles, the furnace, and even sometimes the furniture that isn't too trustworthy these days. In fact, some days it seems that everything I own is going wonky.

My husband's car is in the shop right now; there's a problem with his 4-wheel drive. And it just came back from the shop three weeks ago, for something else. It's out of warranty, so these repairs are not cheap.

Our furnace is definitely not to be trusted. It's old and grouchy, an ancient oil fired boiler system that seems to always have something that needs replacement or tweaking. Last week something called the "transformer" needed replacement (I thought those were action figure toys) but had to wait and cross our fingers while it limped along. Got the part ordered and installed this morning, but then around 5 p.m. it quit working entirely. Someone came out to fix it again and it seems to be OK, but I'm not reassured. The repairman told us to be real careful to make sure our CO detector was working. Nice.

The computer in the family room needs maintenance or an upgrade, or both. The drawer in our brand new fridge isn't sliding right. Our back porch leaks. Our rear hose spigot doesn't work. Our home's foundation is shifting and the guys that supposedly fixed it the last time have to come back and jack it up some more. Because of this, several doors don't shut properly. And the "power paw" on my brand new vacuum cleaner quit working yesterday, too.

But I'm not going to say "what else could go wrong?" because there are a great many other appliances, small and large...furnishings...gadgets...vehicles...and structures around here that could betray me at any given moment. If you stop and think about it, it's terrifying! Sort of like Mutiny on the Bounty!

Makes you stop and think, too, what would we do without these items that are supposed to make our life easier? (Make our live more expensive is more like it.) Back up plans are good. For example, we have a fireplace with an insert, so if we have firewood (we do!) there's a backup heat source, though we might have to spend all our time in the one room it manages to warm up. If my stove quits working, I have other cooking methods available. I can wash clothes in the bathtub if I have to, and line dry them. If the TV croaks, we could always play board games and read books! (Yeah, like that'll happen.)

The only thing I couldn't live without, the one thing that would seriously mess with my life and my happiness and ultimately my sanity...the one thing I cannot easily replace with a back up plan...is...my computer! ACK!!!! Take away my microwave, take away my blender, take away my hair dryer...but please don't take away my Internet!

I Slept In Late

2007-12-28T02:23:00.000-05:00

Sleeping late isn't unusual for me. I like to stay up late -- very late -- and when I can, which is rarely, I like to sleep till noon. I know this is a bad habit. I would get more done if I got up earlier. But I think I am a hedonist at heart, and sleeping late is just so decadent!

This morning the kids let me sleep till ten. My son was at a friend's house, but he called me on his new cell phone, of which he's very proud. I know very well that from a practical point of view a nine year old boy does not need a cell phone. Neither does an eleven year old girl, but both have them and I'm glad of it. They both have active social lives and participate in extracurricular activities. This way, no matter where they are or who they are with, they can call me. And they do.

Case in point: one evening last year my daughter was with a friend's family, out for dinner at a restaurant. My daughter went to the restroom and called me to ask if she ought to be concerned that the friend's father had consumed two beers during dinner; was it still OK for her to get into the car with him driving? I told her that two beers with dinner was just fine, but any more than that might not be. And when I got off the phone, I sank down to my knees - seriously - and I thanked God that my daughter knew to question this and had the confidence and ability to call me and ask. A decision such as this might save her life one day.

In a less dramatic scenario, both kids tend to call me on their cell phones while sleeping over at friends' houses just to say "goodnight." This is incredibly sweet, and certainly not something they would do if they had to use the house phone. To me, that's worth the $25 a month I pay for their two lines.

So, my son called me to ask when I was coming to get him. I showed up at his friend's house around 11:30. His friend's mom just had surgery for breast cancer. The doctors say it went well, but her lymph nodes tested positive, so she'll need chemotherapy. How horrible! We are praying for her. I hope I can say and do the right things to support this wonderful family. This isn't the first problem they've had -- about two months ago, her sister died of lung cancer. Sometimes life gives us more than we ever counted upon having to bear.

Puts my own loss into perspective.

So many people have died within the past few months. I wonder if it's just that I'm more sensitive to those stories, or that I'm just getting older and by virtue of that will hear of more people dying, or perhaps it really is a run of bad luck?

Let's see...we have Dan Fogelberg, Bhutto, Tammy Faye Bakker, my aunt's mother. Mary from my Wed. morning bowling league just lost her sister. An online acquaintance is grieving the death of her 32 year old brother in law. And there are many more.

But life is for the living, right? We had yummy bean and ham soup, with the last of the Christmas ham, for dinner. My daughter has two of her friends spending the night. We're going to visit friends on Saturday to play some games, and we're bringing our kids to play with theirs. You know, as rough as it is to deal with the bad things in my life, the day to day stuff is still pretty damn good, and I am thankful.

2007-12-27T00:23:00.000-05:00

Just for fun, I thought it might be neat to show our family's three generations of women. I wonder if there's a lot of family resemblance here? It's hard to see it when you're so close to it.

Christmas Blessings

2007-12-26T23:37:00.000-05:00

I'm going to say something that often offends people, or at least causes them to shake their heads at me and go "tsk, tsk..." but secretly I think I have more people agreeing with me than not: I don't like Christmas. If it were up to me, I'd go to sleep the day after Thanksgiving and wake up on January 3rd.

Why? It's a royal pain in the hiney. I have to spend money to buy gifts for people who don't need anything, and that counts my own children. I have to find places and uses for things other people give me, things I didn't need either. Don't get me wrong; I'm a pretty generous person and I like the idea of giving gifts. I like gifts that are really well thought out and appropriate. Unfortunately most people think that means "dull and practical," like the gifts I got this year from my husband, a vacuum cleaner and a George Foreman grill. I wanted them both, but YAWN, how boring! I could just as well have gone and bought them myself. I've been doing that lately. For example, there are these house slippers I've been wanting for years, specifically black Totes Isotoner ballet slippers. At least 5 years I have put them on my list, and I've received just about any other kind of slipper you can think of instead. So this year I went out to Kohls and got them myself. They were on sale for 40% off, too.

So what are good gifts? The best gift is either something that would really improve your life but you can't afford, a luxury you'd love but would never get for yourself, or something handmade from the heart and hands of the giver. Last year I made my mom a quilt. It wasn't perfect, but it was pretty, and I think that's probably the best gift anybody had given her in a very long time.

It's folded up and sitting in my bedroom right now.

Christmas isn't the same, of course, without my mom. We celebrated with a modest dinner that my husband helped me prepare; ham, green beans, roasted potatoes, corn, dinner rolls, and my homemade pecan and french silk pies. My sister-in-law, her boyfriend and her 3 kids came over, as did my father-in-law. I really missed my mom, though. She'd sit in the kitchen chatting with me as I finished up, and later while I cleaned the kitchen. It was kind of lonely in there this time.

She did give me a gift, though. A few of them, in fact. I chose them, but I'm sure she would have been happy to give them. I got a new refrigerator, stove and microwave. I am also getting the chance to finish my college education!

Yes, that is right - I am going back to college to earn my Bachelor's Degree. I'm so excited! I've been wanting to do this for a long time, but never thought I'd be able to pay for it. With the inheritance my mother left for me, I can! I have no doubt in my mind this is what she would want me to do. Thanks, mom. Thanks go to my dad too, because he worked just as hard to save and invest that money. I will make them proud.

If all goes well, I will be attending Wright State University. I sent in my application, but I am still waiting to receive my transcript from years before at UC so that I can finish the process. I am going to get my degree in English, with a certificate in professional writing.

I drove with my daughter today (my son was at a friend's house) to see the college - just to drive around and get a first look at the place. I wasn't even sure where it was. It's big! I feel completely lost and, to tell the truth, scared! I am going to be 40 years old in less than one month, and to be going back to college at this age is pretty intimidating. I have to do it, though, or at least give it a good try!

We stopped in at "The College Store" where they sell WSU T-shirts, school supplies and books. I wanted to buy myself a shirt! I also got my daughter a few school supplies (they always need this stuff!) and a pad of graph paper for quilt designing. I feel "official" now!

No hurry, though. The next few months for me will be busy enough as I try to settle my mom's estate, go through her stuff and get her condo ready to sell. I'm not doing anything till the kids go back to school after Christmas break, but just thinking about the job is overwhelming. What am I going to do with all that stuff? Sell some of it, donate most of it, but there will be a lot I just can't part with. Furniture, for example - a brand new dining room set, brand new sofa, two bedroom sets, etc. All the craft and sewing supplies! All the "keepsakes"!!! We may get a storage unit to hold things temporarily because it will take me a long time to go through it all.

My husband is talking about taking over our garage and finishing it to make me a big office and craft room. Wouldn't that be lovely? My current office is tiny and dark. This would have actual windows and a door to the outside. I'd have a place for all my mom's craft things - brand new cutting table, a dressmaker's model, a New Home sewing machine that embroiders - and oh, so much more. I want to simplify my life and cut down the clutter of my possessions, but this is useful stuff! Ah, well, it doesn't have to happen overnight. Soon, though!

My dear hubby has been very supportive through all this. In some ways I think he's taking it harder than I am. She was kind of his second mom, especially after his passed away a few years ago. He's cutting down his hours at work to eliminate overtime so he can help me, but he says he can't go over to her condo without crying. I'm having trouble too, but I have a lot of happy memories to sustain me.

Funerals Are Horrible

2007-12-24T03:07:00.001-05:00

My mother passed away on December 8, at about 1:30 in the morning.

My father died about 8 years ago, and I am an only child, so I am now alone. Well, except for my husband and children. And my two aunts, one uncle, cousin, her husband and her two kids...but it's still a very lonely feeling. I may be nearly 40, but I feel like an orphan.

It's been a rough couple of weeks. I had to plan my mom's funeral. She did most of the arrangements, including the important part of paying for it, but I had to choose the final details, call people and tell them about her death, go to the cemetery and pay them to dig a hole next to my dad. I did the best that I could, but somehow I feel that I fell short of what could have been done.

Mostly, I was unhappy with the memorial service. My mom didn't belong to a church, but we do. I wanted to have our own church pastor conduct the service. But two days before her death, my home phone quit working and the phone company couldn't restore it till five days later. The funeral director tried to call our church, but the message didn't go through. So we had one of those well-meaning but generic services, a "fill in the blank." You know the kind.

"We are gathered here to pay respects to -----. She was born in ----- on -----, she was married to -----, her children were -----, and she liked to ----- and -----."

Well, our church pastor, Rev. Joe Redmond, called me yesterday and offered to come out to our house and give me a book called "Good Grief" to help me through. He also offered to conduct a short memorial service at our house for just our family. I thought that was sweet, though I didn't really see the point. Still, we went through it. The service was kind of odd; I am not accustomed to having church services in my living room. Also my cat Sterling kept meowing loudly and making a pest of himself during the whole thing, making us smile during this serious occasion. I think I would have preferred just having him there to chat with about my mom and her life. I think her life was really interesting, and I'm going to have to write down as much as I can remember before my brain cells muddle it up.

Here is her wedding photo:

I've been told I look like her. It always kind of bugs me -- my mom wasn't really a pretty woman, by general standards of beauty. She was, however, absolutely stunningly beautiful on the inside. If I aspire to "look like" my mom, that is how I want to do it -- in my heart.

OK, I Mean It This Time

2007-12-22T01:00:00.000-05:00

Last time I posted, I was going to start blogging again. That was what, early 2007? Now 2008 is mere days away and I didn't do what I said I would do.

I am a reluctant blogger. But I've been told that blogging can be therapeutic. I'm going through kind of a rough time right now. Maybe it will help to write it out.

Blogs need themes, don't they? Topics...something other than "just life in general," or what happened to me today. But that is what I want this to be. This is the only place where I can be totally self-indulgent and focused on ME, ME, ME...and I'm going to enjoy it.

I've been told I'm amusing. Or at least as interesting as a car crash by the side of the road. We'll See.

Time For a Fresh Start

2006-02-21T00:48:00.000-05:00

We're moving. And it's high time I started blogging again.

So here's the deal: we're leaving the place we've been for the past six years and moving to a totally new town. It's only about twenty minutes' drive away, but it does have a different area code. I have mixed feelings about this.

Con: I'll miss the people I know here, the kids' wonderful school, the familiar sights. This is a nice area and has a lot going for it. I just put in some new fruit trees a couple years ago and they might actually produce this year, and I'll miss it. And my garden plans are on hold till I figure out where the heck to plant those tomatoes.

Pro: We get to start out fresh with people who don't already know how weird I am. The house is bigger. I'll have my own office! With a door! It actually has two doors! We'll have three bathrooms. My son will have a bedroom that's bigger than a closet. The yard is really big too - 1.2 acres. I can garden to my heart's content.

Con: That mortgage payment is HUGE.

Pro: It'll be less huge when we sell our current house and refinance.

Con: Moving sucks.

Pro: This is the last time we plan to move, ever, and it's better to get it over with while we're still young enough to haul heavy objects. Or foolish enough to think we can.

The house is "in the country". Well, it feels like the country to us, a couple of suburbanites. True rural folks would laugh at this. One and a quarter acres on a two-lane paved road with cable TV and city water would not be what everyone considers "in the country." It's also about five minutes' drive from the nearest grocery store, and a main road with several fast food places. But dude, it's one and a quarter acres! There's a horse farm down the street, and last weekend when we drove by we saw people riding their horses in the road. Right on our street. There was horse poo on the pavement. That is "in the country."

So I've got this whole "Little House On The Prairie" vibe going on. I want to dress up like Ma Ingalls - full skirts, hair in a neat little bun - and provide for my family. I'll plant a crop. I'll sew all the curtains and even some of the kids' clothes. I'll quilt. I'll make jam and can the tomatoes. How virtuous I'll be!

Well, aside from the pioneer costume, the rest is quite likely. I've already been canning my homegrown tomatoes and sewing a few things. I enjoy doing that sort of thing. I never thought I would, but I do. It takes me a little while to get started, really to convince myself that gardening, sewing, cooking, canning and all those things aren't nearly as complicated or exhausting as at first they seem. Maintaining that connection to the seasonal rituals of keeping a home is important to me.

See, I tend to live too much inside my own head, being sedentary and feeling disconnected from the physical plane. It's a writer's curse, to live in words on paper or the computer screen. And so often I feel incompetent with real-world things. Accomplishing the tasks of old-fashioned homemaking gives me a wonderful sense of competency - truly, if I can do these things, I can do anything. And that's a wonderful way to feel.

Would I have to move to our new house to complete that feeling? No, but the lifestyle I mention is much more suited to a one-point-two-acre lot than a tiny one in the suburbs.

The Day of New Success

2005-06-24T23:48:00.000-04:00

My horoscope for today said this: “Mark today down as the day new success was born.”

Who am I to argue? I’m not generally a superstitious sort, nor given to put much heed into daily horoscopes. But this one, which is e-mailed to me daily, is often eerily close to the mark. So I went about my day, hoping that the phone would ring or I’d get an interesting e-mail.

The trouble with recognizing “the day new success was born” is that real opportunities rarely look like such. Everything builds on itself, and sometimes even something that looks bad can turn out to be the best thing ever. Like getting turned down for a job, and getting a better one a week later – knowing that if the first one had worked out, you’d never have found the second one. And you can’t discount anything or anyone. That chatty gal you meet at a party might turn out to introduce you to a new client worth thousands. Who knows?

Mostly, though, this seemed a summer day like any other. We didn’t do anything much, no trips to the pool or anything. The kids and I went to the grocery then came home and made fruit smoothies. I tried to contact a client who is dragging his feet on a project, but he wasn’t in. Oh well.

Later, my daughter and I went to a restaurant to meet her Girl Scout Troop and the girls’ mothers. One of the girls is moving away, and we wanted to give her a little party. The restaurant was packed. It took about an hour for us to get a table – there were 20 of us all together. And it took another hour to get our food. But I don’t think anyone minded. We were having too much fun talking about vacations, summer fun, our families, and anything else we could think of. Moms can be kind of an isolated bunch, even when kids get a bit older – and when we finally make contact with another adult, well, we talk. A lot.

Our troop just bridged to Juniors, which means we’ve been together four years now. When my daughter began Kindergarten, I signed up to be an assistant leader. When I met the other leader, and the other moms, I worried that I’d made a terrible mistake. What if they didn’t like me? What if they didn’t trust me with their children? I wondered if I was keeping someone else from the job, someone who would do it better or the girls would like more. Some of the girls’ moms already knew each other, either as neighbors or through church. Nobody knew me. And my house wasn’t as new or as big, I didn’t drive a new SUV, my clothes weren’t designer and I’d never had a manicure.

What I did have, though, was a big enthusiasm for Girl Scouting. I had been one for seven years. I knew the songs. I understood the spirit. I wanted to do things right.

Last fall we had a “Mom and Daughter” camping trip in a lodge at the Girl Scout camp. The other moms and I had three years together, then, but two nights and three days together helped us drop a lot of illusions about one another. I found out that a couple of the more fun-loving moms thought I was a…well, the opposite. The opposite, in fact, of what I am. I’d been trying so hard to maintain that “responsible” image, that maybe I overdid it.

I never thought I’d have to explain to one of these girls’ moms that we can’t bring alcohol onto Council property – even after the girls are in bed. Even if I’d really love a margarita, too. Not a problem – she was just sort of wistfully wishing for one and offering…you know, maybe next time.

Imagine that! Me, enforcing rules like that! Anyone who knows me, really knows me, would expect that I’d be the one smuggling the tequila.

Tonight, I sat among these women that made me so nervous four years ago laughing and really, truly enjoying their company. I’ll miss Susan, who is leaving. She was one of the best, one of the first that made me feel comfortable. But they’re all wonderful. And the girls are, too. I couldn’t ask to be placed with a better group of little girls, all with big personalities and big dreams. And big hearts.

Toward the end, we found out that our server, Dave, was leaving in a few days. Just like our friends, he said. But he wasn’t going to a new house in North Carolina. He was going to Iraq. The girls made sure he got a big piece of cake, tipped him from their own pockets, exchanged addresses so the troop could write to him there, and listened to his stories from the time he’d already spent there. He’d already been shot in the shoulder and leg, but was going back for more.

We tipped big.

My horoscope didn’t say for whom new success was born. Maybe it wasn’t me.

The Musical Baton

2005-05-17T23:48:00.000-04:00

Judi passed the baton along on this blogging relay, and I’m “it.” I don’t mind getting these prompts, generally, but this one really makes me think what a low priority music has been in my life lately. Odd, considering that as a teen I dreamed of becoming a musician.

Total size of music files on my computer:

3.37 GB, though very few are mine. Most are my husband’s; we definitely do not share the same taste in music. I’d transferred them to our other PC, and when the hard disk in that one crashed he nearly cried over all of that music vanishing into thin bits and bytes. He didn’t know I still had it. Now it’s safe on MP3 CD’s.

The last CD bought was:

Very tough question, because I can’t remember. Since Judi says downloaded CD’s count too, I’ll have to say it’s the soundtrack to “O Brother Where Art Thou.” I love that movie, and the music too.

I think the last “real” CD I bought was Tom Petty’s Wildflowers, a few years ago. My nine-year-old daughter loves it. I almost bought a Rush Greatest Hits CD today in Wal-Mart while waiting for an oil change, but I decided to download my own compilation instead.

Song playing right now in iTunes:

I do not have an iPod. I don’t have an MP3 player, either. My husband has a Memorex MP3 player; I gave it to him for Christmas and he loves it. But if you do not have an iPod, all you can do in iTunes is listen, though that’s not a bad thing in itself. We found that out when we tried to use those Pepsi bottle cap codes.

I do listen to Netscape Radio sometimes, but my PC speakers aren’t very good and I’m better off just turning on the TV with a cable music channel, or popping a CD into the DVD player. But I’m one of those weirdos that focus on work better when it’s quiet, so I usually only listen to music in the car or when I’m doing something mindless like data entry for record keeping or stuffing envelopes for marketing myself.

Five songs I listen to a lot, or mean a lot to me:

I tend to pick fairly obscure favorites for anything. Some are my favorites just because I like the way they sound. Others have messages or sentimental value. And just because I like a song doesn’t mean I’d listen to the whole album, know what I mean? Well, except for Rush.

Trees (Rush)
The Rain Song (Led Zeppelin)
Just The Way You Are (Billy Joel)
You’ve Got A Friend (James Taylor)
Man of Constant Sorrow (lots of artists, most recently Dan Tyminski on O Brother Where Art Thou Soundtrack)

Five people to whom I’m passing the baton

Nope…I don’t know five people who blog. I’ll pass it on to Shelley Haggert, okay?